Time for a game: Match the column excerpt to the columnist!

At hand: Nathan Rushton, Glenn Franco Simmons, John Driscoll, Rich Somerville, James Faulk.

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1. The lion cub froze, poised either to run or perhaps to launch itself at my inquisitive hound. I kept one hand on the study walking stick I always hike with, made myself as large as possible, and commanded Nellie, "Come!" Because she's a well-trained girl, she trotted to my side, although she kept one suspicious eye on what, to her, must have seemed a tempting subject to harass. But a mountain lion cub, although deceptively cute, is a far cry from a house cat. I didn't want Nellie to find that out the hard way. Hikers should beware of lions of all sizes -- and make sure to only bring absolutely obedient dogs on allowed wilderness trails.

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2. It was brought to my attention that a local blog said some critical words about our paper. Well, I don't think it's bad at all. I've think everyone is happy. Really happy. Like one big family. I should know, I've worked at more newspapers than anyone else at the paper. So that blogger obviously doesn't know what he's talking about.

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3. This is the deal, people: you say it, we print it. "Off the record" is for weenies. Now, I've sat through a lot of these political meetings and talked to a fair number of politicians and I'll tell you, a little sophistication about these matters would go a long way. 'Nuff said. As for the rest of this column, well, sometimes there's not a lot to say. So, gimme a whiskey, ginger ale on the side. And don't be stingy, baby.

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4. As a journalist, I can't help but be critical of other journalists. This may be of no interest to you, dear reader, but bear with me. See, sometimes I get upset because other reporters write about themselves. Or they utilize their connections to get a better story. Not fair! But maybe you don't care about that. Maybe you shouldn't even read this column, then. If you're still with me, though, first I'll digress. You'll recall from My Cats, part Three, that we last left Johas perched on the sofa...

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5. I have recently received emails from numerous people if I would allow my reporters to do any stories which strayed from our mission to deliver the news on the best paper possible. My answer is no, we would not. If a story cannot justify our very expensive ink, then it would be unfair to our readers to take that chance. I do not believe in gimmicks to increase readership, which is built over time and is based on solid paper. The kind of paper that allows us to run gigantuan photos and large font. This is what soldiers die to protect, and I believe to honor them by printing on anything lesser is an injustice at best and unethical besides.